Why does giving feedback sometimes feel like arguing with a teenager?

Picture this: you approach a colleague with the best intentions, ready to offer constructive feedback… and before you even finish your sentence, you get a barely muffled sigh, an unmistakable eye-roll, or a shocked look that screams, “Why are you picking on me?”

The result? To avoid drama, we stop saying anything at all. We walk on eggshells. Mistakes pile up, tension rises, and projects stall. The team starts surviving instead of growing. Yet feedback isn’t criticism — it’s a dance. And like any tango, if one partner doesn’t know the steps (or refuses to dance), everyone ends up stepping on each other’s toes.

Leader: You Set the Rhythm

Change starts with you. If you only give feedback once a year — during the infamous, dreaded performance review — you’re sending a clear signal: feedback is a big deal, and usually a stressful one.

Great leaders make feedback routine, almost everyday. The goal? To model the behavior you want to see.

Here are a few simple steps to make feedback feel natural:

• Celebrate wins: Notice what’s going well, not just what needs fixing!
• Be surgical: Focus on the behavior, not the person.

Concrete example: Instead of saying “Your report is messy” (cue teenage defensiveness), try: “I noticed the report is missing the data to back up your conclusions. How could we integrate that to make it stronger?”

Teaching the Team to “Follow the Steps”

A feedback culture can’t just be declared — it has to be nurtured. When employees get defensive, it’s often because they see feedback as punishment, not growth. For the dance to flow, both partners need to learn how to give and receive.

Encourage peer-to-peer feedback, through rituals like project debriefs or collaborative workshops.

And to keep it constructive — not a blame game — set a few ground rules (your team’s own “dance code”):

1. Intent first: If your goal isn’t to help the other person improve, keep it to yourself.
2. Speak from the "I": Share how you feel, don’t state opinions as facts.
3. Stay factual: Emotions at the door; focus on behaviors and actionable ideas.

Prevent Before You Repair: Your Team’s Immune System

Feedback is proof that you care enough not to let someone stagnate. Think of it as your organization’s immune system — addressing small “aches and pains” before they turn into full-blown emergencies that clog your internal ER. We shouldn’t wait until the work climate is on life support to start talking… and yet, we all do it sometimes.

Will it always be comfortable? Nope. Will there still be sighs? Probably. But it’s by working through those uncomfortable moments that great teams are built. You don’t become a salsa champion after one class — so keep the rhythm, stay kind, and dare to lead the dance, even when your partner still has two left feet.

LeaderZone Challenge

Today, try giving positive-surgical feedback — something specific and concrete, without the old “Great job, but…”

Naming what works is already feedback — and often, that’s when the real dance begins. Watch your colleague’s reaction: a smile, renewed energy… maybe even surprise.

Because in the end, we all just want to grow — one step at a time.